Bittersweet
by Citfomp
Summary: Theo had tried to stay away from Draco Pairings: Theodore/Draco, Pansy/Draco(mentioned)


Theo didn't know what type of day it was. He could infer about the day based on past experiences, but he simply did not give a damn. Not about the weather, not about the mood, not about how people felt about it. Today was just a day-a Monday or a Tuesday, maybe even a Friday- and Theo wanted nothing more than for it to be over.

So he, _well he didn't hide,_ hiding implied that there was someone or something looking for him. This was not the case. Theo just wanted peace, so he secluded himself. In his dorm. In his bed, with a book so he could drown out the voices in his mind.

The dorm was empty, save for him. It was not unusual, as the two other Slytherin boys who had decided to finish their studies at Hogwarts seemed to enjoy being away from their dorm room as much as Theo seemed to enjoy being in it.

It was for the best, really. He had never gotten along with Zabini; not ever since their first night at Hogwarts, when it was made very clear that they were two fundamentally different people who valued very different things-Theo was a huge quidditch fan and Zabini wasn't. While it was true their animosity had begun due to a childish spat about quidditch, arguments had a way of escalating-the days of arguing about sports soon were replaced by arguments of everything thinkable and unthinkable. They both had been brats-uncompromising and antagonistic to the extreme. Eventually, they had gotten better as they matured but friendship was...undesired to say the least. Simply put, Zabini and Theo were not unlike two tunes that when played together did nothing but cause misery and regret.

As for Malfoy...the less Theo thought about him, the better off Theo would be. The whole Malfoy situation was yet another thing in a long list that he had decided to repress into submission.

So Theo read. He read because he would be forced to think otherwise. Thinking meant remembering and he couldn't drink to forget at Hogwarts. Even if he could, he didn't trust himself to behave in such close quarters. The war might have taken a lot away from him, but he still had some dignity left.

He was deeply entranced by the carefully crafted prose of his book when he was unexpectedly disturbed by an unwanted intruder to his safe haven.

"Malfoy" he said as neutrally as he was able, attempting to keep his gaze on the book.

"Nott" Malfoy replied displeased. Malfoy was the type of person who loved being the center of attention and would react unfavourably if ignored. And while there was nothing Theo would love more than to give in and give Malfoy what he wanted, Theo needed to push him away, keep him at the periphery of his life.

"Is there a reason for your interruption?" Theo drawled, feigning boredom. Aloofness would keep him safe. He really hoped it would.

"Can't a guy say hello to his friend? Or is that not allowed?" there was a tone in his voice that made Theo look up from his book. Malfoy was frowning and Theo couldn't help the way it affected him. He hated how naturally the frown sat on Malfoy's face; the past couple of years had been rough to everyone and Malfoy was definitely no exception. Theo saw how much life had been drained from him; eyes that used to sparkle with mischief were dulled and void of light, his naturally pale complexion looked ashen and unhealthy, even the way he held himself was different-hunched, and a bit pathetic if Theo was being honest.

"Am I your friend Malfoy?" His frown deepened and Theo desperately wanted to fix it. _Stop it!_ He scolded himself.

"I was under the impression we were"

"Interesting word choice. 'Were' I mean" Malfoy scowled and Theo forced himself to look back at the book. He knew he wouldn't be able to fool anyone, but he couldn't keep looking at Draco. _Malfoy_. _He couldn't keep looking at Malfoy._

"What is that supposed to mean? _Look at me!_ " the book was taken away from his hand and Theo felt his face become warm. He clenched his jaw. Theo was awfully familiar with being angry at him. He leveled Malfoy with a challenging look.

"I think my meaning was clear, or are you too dense to connect the dots on your own?" his tone was biting and more emotional than what he intended. Malfoy's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Are you too good for me Nott? Is this what it is?" Oh Merlin, if things were that simple.

"It's not about who I am. It's about who you were and what that can do to my future" It was partially true, Theo was a Slytherin after all and keeping Malfoy as a friend wouldn't let him go very far. Theo wanted to go very far.

Malfoy glared, eyes blazing with fury, and for a split second Theo thought he was going to be cursed. Painfully.

This was not the case; instead Malfoy left the dorm room without making a move to hurt Theo. Yet, it felt as if he had. Theo felt awful. Shame was heavy on his chest, making it difficult to breathe. His ears felt warm. He rubbed his eyes, then dropped his face into his hands. There had to be a better way of doing things.

Reluctantly, Theo left the safety of his bed and went looking for Malfoy. Maybe he could try being boring, making Malfoy feel bored to the point of ruining their friendship sounded better than making him feel insulted. He didn't want to hurt Malfoy. It wasn't his fault Theo felt the way he did.

Theo walked the mostly empty halls. Few people stayed for the holidays, but this year it felt emptier than usual. There was nothing like war to move families closer together. Theo wasn't bitter. He wasn't.

The castle was cold and Theo was not properly dressed to deal with the chill. He had not intended to leave the warmth of his bed, he had not intended to be affected by the outside world and its harsh environment. He cursed himself for how emotionally he had reacted, if he had stopped to think, he wouldn't had forgotten his wand of all things. What sort of wizard forgot his wand? _A stupid one_ , he thought bitterly as he hastened his pace.

Luckily, it wasn't long before he found Malfoy. Unluckily, Malfoy wasn't alone. _Gryffindors, oh joy…._

"I don't see how death eater scum like you was allowed back" the ring leader was a year below them. Technically, they were all in the same year now, but who cared about semantics.

"You think he imperioused his way out of Azkaban?" Theo stayed out of sight. He wanted to hurt them, but he couldn't just run in with no wand and no plan. It was fair to say he was outnumbered, four guys who looked pretty tough, and it wasn't a leap of logic to assume they all had their wands.

"Piss off" How could Theo de-escalate the situation? Avoiding conflict was sort of his thing. Even with Zabini, things never got physically violent.

"I don't think so Malfoy. I lost my brother because of you" Fuck.

"Hey! What's going on here?" Theo looked towards the voice. Dread began to fill him once he realized who it was. Ginny Weasley. Malfoy was screwed. Even if Theo had his wand, he doubted he could win this fight without doing anything illegal. He resigned himself to wait in the shadows and deal with the aftermath.

"Just having a chat with Malfoy" from where he stood, he couldn't see how Ginny reacted to the statement. Theo bit his lip nervously.

"Is that right?"

Theo was willing to admit that Ginny Weasley scared him. She was tough and made herself a reputation for being ruthless, in the field and in a fight. Not to mention she was dating the fucking saviour of the wizarding world, Harry bloody Potter. She was untouchable.

"Yeah, just t-"

"I was talking to Malfoy" the guy put up his hands, as if to say calm down, but it wouldn't be a stretch to think he was subconsciously putting a shield between them. That's what Theo would do.

"I would mind my own business if I were you, Weasley" Malfoy had no sense of self preservation, did he?

"I'm a preferect so I think it is my business" Theo couldn't take it anymore. He would bluff his way out of this if that was what he needed to do. He took a deep breath and approached the group.

"Malfoy! Professor Slughorn is looking for you" Ginny turned around, Theo attempted to hide his fear. Oh Merlin, he was sweating.

"I think it's time you guys came back to Gryffindor tower. Curfew is coming up soon, and I wouldn't like seeing you guys getting into trouble" Theo knew a threat when he heard one, and while confused at Weasley, he was not going to question her.

It took them a moment, but the gryffindor gang soon left. Weasley nodded at them and left Malfoy and Theo alone.

Malfoy walked away.

"Malfoy, I need to talk to you" it was as if Theo had said nothing, Malfoy continued on his way.

"Really, Malfoy, come back" he began walking towards the retreating slytherin.

"Draco. I'm sorry" Malfoy stopped.

"So we're back on a first name basis? Careful, people might think you're friends with death eater scum like me" Theo grimaced. It felt awful hurting him. He couldn't bare bringing Draco any more pain.

"I apologize for what I said. I didn't mean it" they were side by side now, but despite their physical closeness, there was a huge gap between them that left Theo feeling more anguish than he was capable of dealing with. But wasn't that what he wanted? No he didn't. But it was not about want-he couldn't get what he wanted-it was about what needed to be done.

"You didn't mean it?" Malfoy snorted "I'm finding that hard to believe, Nott"

"Look Malfoy, Draco" he quickly corrected himself. Malfoy had to be Draco out loud. He wouldn't keep hurting his feelings. "I'm having a really hard time-"

"You think I'm not?!" Theo winced at his misstep. Why was anger so easy to fuel?

"That's not what I'm trying to say. Draco, my dad is gone, my fortune is gone, my future is bleak. I'm alone, I'm confused, and I no longer know what is right or wrong. I'm sorry about what I said, or how I've acted towards you...I just don't know anything anymore. I only know that I hurt you, and I feel fucking awful" once he had begun talking he hadn't been able to stop. He had bottled everything up for so long, it made lying difficult.

"You're not the only one having a crappy time, Theodore. I thought we were friends. Friends are there for each other" Theo sighed, he rarely felt regret. He was feeling regret now.

"You sound like a hufflepuff" he tried to lighten the mood. It didn't seem to work. "I know. I have been a terrible friend. But I don't think I could stand being a bad friend any longer. That's why I came after you. Your face after what I said? It was the worst I felt since…" he trailed off, his silence heavy with implications.

"I don't know if I can count of you" it appeared this was a study in regret. And he realized hurting Malfoy, hurt more than his unrequited, good for nothing feelings.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I want to fix that" He wanted nothing more than for Malfoy to be happy; being confronted by his anger and disappointment after months of giving him the cold shoulder made Theo realize that.

Malfoy didn't say anything, but Theo refused to leave. He would stay unless Malfoy told him to leave.

They stood in silence for a long time. Or that's how it felt to Theo. Time no longer made any sense to him; he just couldn't keep track of it.

"Let's go back to the dorm room. I'm freezing" Theo let out a breath of relief; things had been fixed...enough.

"You know there is this thing called magic right? It can do literally almost anything" he couldn't help it, even if he was also freezing, sarcasm was his weakness.

"I left my wand in our room" He was now doubly thankful for Weasley's intervention. He needed to thank her or something. Maybe even send her a fruit basket.

 **xXx**

Their room was still empty when they returned. Theo commented on it and Malfoy stopped abruptly.

"Theo, Zabini left a week ago. He said goodbye to us. He left you a gift" Theo couldn't remember that. Days blurred into one another and he rarely left his bed, it was a good recipe for not knowing what was going on. But he couldn't make himself care. Did such trivial things even matter? Theo didn't think so.

"I knew that" Malfoy didn't believe him but he didn't expect him to. He wasn't even sure why he said that in the first place.

"Look, I wanted to talk to you for a reason" Malfoy sat down on Theo's bed and he tried to keep his thoughts from wandering into inappropriate territory. He sat down besides Malfoy, leaving plenty of space between them.

"You can tell me anything" Theo chastised himself on how eager he sounded. So much for trying to be boring.

"I.." Malfoy hesitated, and Theo's heartbeat quickened. A breath was caught in his throat.

"Yes?" it was softer than a whisper.

"Pansy thinks I'm a bad kisser" Theo wasn't stupid, he knew what he was expecting was not going to happen. But even when knowing, well, it still hurt. Disappointment sucked. He tried clearing his mind.

"Really? That's what made you talk to me?"

"You don't realize how lonely you are until you find that you have no one to share this sort of information with"

"That's fair. So you suck at kissing. Good to know?" He wanted to check that for himself. He felt himself blush. This was the sort of think he wanted to forget.

"Can you help me?" Theo's brain was stuck. He blinked desperately trying to make sense of things.

"I just figured, you seem to know about everything, no matter how random, so…" Theo was having a hard time thinking straight.

"Apples...uh...you need apples" he winced internally after he realized what he had just said. _Apples? Really?_

"What?"

"Look, by seeing how you eat apples I will be able to see how your kissing technique is lacking" _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

"..." Honestly, He couldn't blame Draco for his reaction.

"Do you want my help or not?" He might as well have fun with it. He sighed. Mentally, of course.

"..Yeah. Fine, give me a second" Draco stood up and walked over his stuff. Trust Draco to keep an apple by him at all times.

Theo allowed himself a moment to calm down. He took a deep breath. Everything was going to be fine. There was nothing to worry about. If he said it enough times, he might begin to believe it.

"I have an apple, now what?"

"Take a bite. Trust me" He added the last part at Draco's incredulous look.

Draco did what he was told.

The apple was a soft pink colour and bigger than the average. It juices flowed as Draco took a big bite. Theo allowed himself to indulge on the sight. He had truly hit rock bottom; where else would he find himself feeling jealous towards a fruit?

He knew he was staring but he couldn't help it, he had avoided Draco for so long, that this moment felt like a first breath after almost drowning. Desperate and not enough. He forced himself to blink, give his mind a break from the show.

"So?" Malfoy's voice made. Theo tried to remember what the whole apple thing was about.

"You see," he pointed at Malfoy's hand "your problem is that you're too sloppy. Apple juice everywhere" He wanted to lick him clean. He blinked again. Control. He needed to regain it.

"Come on, Nott," Malfoy rolled his eyes. "You're not serious"

"Dead serious" maybe the apple thing was right. Maybe.

"How am I supposed to do it then?"

Theo took the apple from him. He brought it towards his lips and held Draco's gaze. The apple smelled sweet but also like Draco, no doubt from being in his things. He opened his mouth and softly put his lips against the skin; he breathed in its sweet aroma one more time before gently putting some pressure with his teeth. He took a controlled bite, nothing too big, but also not too small-something manageable. The juices soon hit his tongue, but none escaped his mouth. It was a sweet apple, but not entirely so, there were some slight bitter undertones to it, his eyes fluttered shut for a brief moment as he savoured the taste. He swallowed his bite, eyes never leaving Draco's, he waited a beat and then he spoke.

"Like that" Theo felt warm, maybe even a little bit drunk. _Merlin_ , this is why he didn't drank.

"I...see" Draco reached towards him, _towards the apple_ -his mind corrected him—and took it from Theo's grasp, his touch perhaps lingering for a second. He felt pathetic.

Theo hungrily looked up at Draco as he attempted to mimic Theo's technique. Just when Draco went in for the bite, Theo closed his eyes—he took two seconds to imagine himself in the apple's place. This needed to stop.

"Much better" he whispered encouragingly at Draco.

"I don't see how much better I can get" Theo didn't either, but he didn't want this to stop.

"Imagine the apple is Pansy, put more feeling into it"

"Put more feeling into eating my girlfriend?" now it was Theo's turn to roll his eyes.

"Just watch me" He stood up and took the apple back from Draco. They were standing fairly close, which made Theo feel even more at out of control. He closed his eyes and he took an ambitious bite—it wasn't perfect, but he wasn't too sloppy. He put in his frustrations into that bite. He felt shame once he swallowed it. _Merlin, am I really making out with an apple? Am I really thinking of Draco while I do?_

"That was…uhm…something" Theo just knew his face was redder than the apple.

"Shut up an eat your apple girlfriend"

"Are you sure, because it looked like you two were serious" Theo restrained himself from throwing the damn fruit at him.

"I'm glad that this amuses you"

Malfoy sighed.

"Theo, I'm more than happy that you are trying to help me, but eating an apple and kissing Pansy are very different things"

"Is it because the apple is sweet?" for a brief moment he thought he had fucked up. Draco just rolled his eyes.

"Oh shut up. Leave Pansy alone. Some people just weren't made to be sweet" he sat back on Theo's bed. Theo copied him.

"Don't you have a sweet tooth?"

"I might have"

"So what do you gain from being with her?" Theo didn't think he wanted to know.

"She likes me enough. I like her enough"

"And that's enough?" Draco looked away.

"More than what I deserve" Theo said nothing because what could he say?

Draco looked back at Theo and held his gaze for an unknown period of time. He then sighed.

"Thanks for your help. I just don't think this is going to work"

"Can't say I didn't try" Theo took a normal bite of the apple this time.

"That's my apple you know" Theo ignored him and continued eating it. He couldn't remember when the last meal he had was.

"You were right Draco. Things are serious between this apple and me, we're exclusive now. Sorry" Draco laughed and Theo felt weightless.

"You owe me one then"

"I owe you more than one" Theo owed him so much for ignoring him during the toughest moments of his life.

"Yeah, you do"

They sat without saying another word while Theo finished Draco's apple. He still felt lightheaded after the whole kissing lesson ordeal. So that's what he blamed for what came out of his mouth.

"Draco, why don't you practice kissing with someone?" _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

"And risk the wrath of Pansy? No thank you"

"It was just an idea" He stared at Draco, he was sure his face was currently an open book. A book showing just how much he wanted Draco Malfoy.

"Who would I even kiss? Not a lot of people want to kiss an ex death eater" Theo didn't want to kiss an ex-death eater. He wanted to kiss Draco.

"You're right, it was a stupid idea"

The silence this time, felt charged, it was pregnant with something. It was suffocating Theo and so not helping his situation. He was desperate. Unsatisfied.

"Theo…." Theo's breath hitched and he tried masking it by taking a final bite of the apple.

"Yes?" his voice bursting with untold emotion.

"Would you..."

"Only if you're sure"

"It's for Pansy"

"Yes, for Pansy"

Theo didn't know who moved first, only that they both had decided to do it at some point. Draco's lips were soft and he couldn't get enough of them. His hands had ended holding Draco's head, perhaps to keep him close, or in place, or just to hold on to something. Draco's hands were in his hair and Theo couldn't have imagined how much he enjoyed the way Draco softly pulled at the strands when Theo did something Draco liked. Their desperate pressing of lips soon changed to mimic their earlier activities with the apple. Theo's thoughts felt hazy, they were covered by a fog and he couldn't be bothered to give a damn about anything other than Draco's tongue in his mouth. It was as if he was a drowning man and Draco was air. He attempted to press closer to him, but they were sitting in an awkward position, side by side on the bed. He was far too gone to find a way to fix the situation; he just wanted to kiss Draco until neither of them could any more.

And that's what they did; they kissed until they were both breathless. They separated gasping for air, only to come back to kiss each other senseless.

Then, Theo's mind found a moment of clarity. _Pansy_

Theo stopped Malfoy, because yes, _Pansy_. She was still in the picture. That had not changed. Neither had the fact that Malfoy was an ex-death eater, nor that Theo had no fucking future and less of one if he kept Malfoy this close. A fucking kiss hadn't changed that.

Not yet.

"I think Pansy won't be complaining about your kissing skills anymore" Theo stood up and turned his back to Malfoy. He needed to focus. He needed some control back.

"If you say so" Malfoy's voice was clipped. It still didn't change things.

"I just want to be clear, I won't be telling Pansy about this" It all came back to right or wrong, didn't it?

"I won't either"

"Not that there was anything worth telling her about"

"Right"

"Right" Theo rubbed his eyes. So much for distance. So much for not making Draco frown. So much for anything.

He heard when Draco stood up from his bed, the careful steps he took as he made his way towards the door, the door open only to click shut mere moments afterwards. Draco had left.

Theo could not drink and he would not let himself think. So he went back to his bed. To his book. And he hid.

 **END**

 **A/N: I wrote the original like 4 years ago. I cringe at it now. I needed to fix it so I did. kind of. I hope. It's better at least.**

 **Why change it now? Someone gave me a like. I couldn't deal with that fact. So here I am. I haven't slept at all.**


End file.
